I keep preparing for rain

and it never shows up.

I feel two drops

and I rush inside,

rush back from the walk,

cover the wolf-spider

living in the jar.

But then,

the sun came back out,

and the clouds turned

orange and fuchsia that night.

I could’ve gone outside

for a better view, but

I wanted everything

to go my way,

so I missed it.

Let my dog out in the dusk,

and she turned blue.

I could’ve been blue too.

(20200408)

This poem carries many meanings for me.

Unfulfilled desire. An attempt to control everything and be prepared, only to have circumstances change rapidly. Feeling disconnected from the moment. That low hum of irritability, that tends to build up and burst on undeserving passers-by.

In therapy, I’m learning how to allow my emotions to exist without judging them as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. I’ve had to learn to allow myself to be sad, to be angry, to be fearful, to be jealous, then to listen to the messages they have to give me.

Sadness taught me that I have expectations and preferences. She gives me perspective and encourages me to slow down and release. She allows me to grieve and let the heaviness go.

Anger taught me to notice where I’m being taken advantage of or overlooked. She gives me the fire to speak up and show up for myself. She gives me the strength to create boundaries and honor my time.

Fear taught me that my life is valuable. She keeps me awake, alert. She reminds me that I’m capable of creating the life I want, that I’m seen and accepted as I am.

Jealousy taught me that I finally have clear desires and goals. On those days when it’s difficult to watch others enjoy aspects of life that I crave, she reminds me to check in with my pace. To remember that everything meant for me will come my way. To take this time to prepare the soil and nurture the seedlings.

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